She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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