dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
