my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
