i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i've created a new STD.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
