I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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