Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
