i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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