We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
