in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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