Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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