we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Randomize
