Well douche your snatch and let's go!
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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