Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
