Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
