Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Randomize
