Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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