No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
