I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
