why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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