I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
