I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
