If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
