just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
