Plan B is the new Plan A
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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