Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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