anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I am midnight drunk by noon
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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