You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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