Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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