I skipped work to stalk him.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
