I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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