my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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