Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
