he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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