Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
