genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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