I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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