How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
