Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
