I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
