My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
