So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
