I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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