Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
