if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm just crazy horny about you
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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