peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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