Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
