we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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