there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
