new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
