The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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